Re-Release of Gibson's Christ To Include 25% More Passion!

A fidgety, defensive and delusional Mel Gibson has announced his plan to re-release his film The Passion Of The Christ and include additional scenes that the director has filmed in his backyard last weekend, highlighting even more unnecessarily graphic and visceral images of Jesus' suffering in the final 12 hours of his life. The extended scenes focus on Jesus' cruel and brutal treatment at the hands of Roman soldiers, and are rumored to include Indian burns, a hot foot, three scathing insults and a particularly harsh noogie session.

"Lights! Camera! Passion!"

Gibson freely admits that the events depicted are not supported by any historical or Biblical accounts, but instead appeared to him in a vision he experienced after consuming a bottle of Robitussin in a hotel sauna.

Scene 412: The Peanut Brittle Gag

"It might be true" Gibson explained, "that the true significance of Christ's suffering in the Bible is spiritual rather than physical...but have you ever been given an Indian burn? YEOWCH!!!"

"It's important for people to learn history... even if it never happened!" the wild-eyed director heatedly elaborated, shortly before abruptly leaving the room in a daze and wandering outside into traffic.

Al Qaeda Training Video: A Chilling Warning To Homeland Playgrounds

Elementary schools across the nation have elevated their alert level to "Guarded Play" following the release of troubling new Al Qaeda training tape that reveals the terror network's shockingly sophisticated ability to navigate monkey bars, jungle gyms, and other common features of American schoolyard playgrounds.

A shaken Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge reacted to the tape's release by scheduling a press conference, immediately after stopping by Staples to pick up enough posterboard to do it justice.

"These men are clearly in top condition. From the look of this video, they could easily pass the Presidential Physical Fitness Test. Except for maybe the Shuttle Run- there's no direct evidence that they have developed the advanced skills required in terms of running back and forth with a chalkboard eraser. I guess that's the real silver lining of this whole situation."

"Still..." he continued, "the tape is frightening for many reasons. A coordinated, synchronized attack while Mrs. Bixby's 4th Grade class is on recess would be extremely disruptive to America's economy, psyche, not to mention several important dodgeball and tetherball contests. God help us if they've learned to Double Dutch."

The challenge of the terrorists has been answered in defiant fashion by a beleaguered President Bush, who has requested another $87 billion from Congress in order to secure America's Swing Sets and Hopscotch Zones.

"We've always known how much Al Qaeda hates America..." Bush explained in a televised address from the Oval Office. "...but we had no idea how much they love to run and play."