"My name is George W. Bush, and I approved this message."

"Why should you vote for me? Because I've been thinking hard- REALLY hard- about the problems facing America.

Concerned about the transfer of power in Iraq? Great news! Coalition forces have discovered a little-known and charismatic new Iraqi cleric, Diqua al-Chenabi, who we've determined will be assuming power following an upcoming election. Iraqis who are worried just because he's a creepy old white man can take comfort in the fact that he's a real stand-up guy who'll help Iraq maximize it's natural resources. Trust me!"

"I've recently been told that the nation's approval of the war in Iraq is plummeting. That's why...SURPRISE! I'm bringing back the Iraqi Information Minister Guy, and you'll be delighted to hear that he'll be issuing more outlandish, hair-brained updates on the progress of the war! I love this guy! I mean, where does he come up with this stuff?!!!"

"While it's true that Osama bin Laden is still at large, the aggressive utilization of the Patriot Act by my administration has yielded perhaps the most significant development to date in the war on terror- the discovery of Osama bin Laden's Friendster network, which shines a terrifying light on the inner workings of a terrorist cell, as well as the fact that his favorite band is Sammy Hagar-era Van Halen.

I've personally forwarded my findings to the Central Intelligence Agency in a report that includes this damning evidence."

"A recent Presidential Daily Briefing has warned the Senator John Kerry is a gathering threat to my administration. That's why I've ordered a preemptive strike- unleashing Apache attack helicopters on his Beacon Hill, Massachusetts compound- which intelligence sources assure me is a palatial estate that houses torture chambers, rape rooms, and stockpiles of the deadly chemical agent Botox."

"I also feel that it's about time we add an Amendment to our Constitution banning marriage between the mentally retarded, to protect the sanctity of this union from the immoral lifestyle choice that they have made. Executions of the retarded on Death Row will continue as scheduled."

"As I predicted in my State Of The Union address, a free and democratic Iraq will have tremendous effect on the entire Middle East. Let's take a look at my AccuFreedom 5 Day Forecast for the region. An overwhelming front of freedom should be flowing out of Iraq any time now..."

"...setting the stage for clear skies following the establishment of an all-encompassing freedom-loving Middle-Eastern superstate, with enforced conversion to Christianity slated for early next month."

"Let's face it- a public trial of Saddam Hussein would uncover some embarrassing details of America's past support of his regime, not to mention requiring attention to legal mumbo jumbo such as 'substantiated evidence.' BOR-ING!

That's why I've decided that during the 2004 Republican National Convention, Saddam will be released from the cage I keep him in to be hunted by yours truly through the streets of New York City in a live, one-time only reality television event hosted by California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger! It's gonna be AWESOME!"

Paid For By The Committee To Make America Globally Hated And Less Safe.