Much of the incredible success of Lost must be credited to it's visionary creator, J.J. Abrams, who recently followed up his thrilling Emmy win for Best Dramatic Series by revealing the amazing secret behind his all-consuming and passionate creative process for coming up with the imaginative plot twists featured in the show!

Lost fans who found themselves flabbergasted at young Walt's shocking kidnapping at the hands of "The Others" in the first season's finale had their gast further flabbered when he suddenly materialized in the jungle in Season 2's premiere mumbling ass-backwards nonsense. Viewers can look forward to additional Walt appearances in future episodes, culminating in a spookily derivative series of Jack's visions in which he dances around in a weird room providing backwards-masked clues to the identity of Laura Palmer's killer!

Lost chat rooms have been abuzz following the recent announcement that acclaimed suspense director M. Night Shyamalan has signed on to direct an episode of the show later this season. Producers of Lost came to immediately regret this decision when Shyamalan yet again directed himself into a corner, ruining the entire series by plot-twisting one too many times and having the mysterious French Woman lead Kate and Jack past "The Dark Territory" and through to the other side of the island, which they discover in a mind-blowing revelation is home to a "Sandals Is For Lovers" couples resort.

Excited to see Hurley working feverishly at the hatch's Dharma computer, a euphoric Kate arrives for her shift of entering the "numbers" every 108 minutes assuming that Hurley has finally discovered the significance of entering the 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 sequence. She is deeply disappointed when he informs her that while his all-night investigation into the sequence has come up completely empty, he has discovered that entering Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start into the computer does give you unlimited free lives in Contra.

There were 48 survivors of Oceanic Airlines Flight 815, but tragically, not all of them were hot and/or interesting in any way whatsoever. As a result, their characters have remained undeveloped and their involvement in the show's events have pretty much been limited to gathering bamboo when someone needs to build a raft or- if they are lucky- getting blown apart in a dynamite blast as the show's main characters react in horror. This unjust inequity reaches a boiling point in an upcoming episode in which this group of castaways organizes a protest demanding more screen time. When the move is ignored completely, the group then secedes entirely by forming it's own separate community dubbing themselves "The Bland" and moving into the jungle in search of significant and amazing new adventures. Unfortunately, nothing really interesting happens to them and they are quickly forgotten.

The immense popularity of Lost can clearly be attributed to it's rabid and enthusiastic fan base, who devote countless hours of their lives dissecting and discussing the minutia of the show's every last detail. To show their gratitude ABC and Lost's producers have teamed up, giving 100 lucky contest winners a break from freeze-framing the show on Tivo in search of hidden Dharma symbols, providing them a chance to realize their dream by living out the events experienced by their TV friends. The winners will be flown to Australia for an amazing, all-expenses paid two-week vacation, and upon the return flight will be crash-landed onto a remote jungle island and left for dead.

Deep-seated tensions amongst the survivors of Flight 815 spill over into dark violence when Hurley calls Locke "Dude" one too many times and is killed when the castaways join forces to push a massive boulder off a mountainside, crushing Hurley to death. Locke secures the conch shell, assuming power over the island by blowing it triumphantly. Deciding to make the best of the increasingly dangerous situation, the resourceful Jin fashions Hurley's bloated corpse into a makeshift raft and launches a daring escape from the island, only to be attacked and eaten minutes into his voyage to freedom by a genetically-engineered Dharma octopus.

Of all of the mysteries of Lost, the most puzzling of all has to be "What is the island?" Lost fans will be stunned when the season finale's startling secret is exposed- that all of the perplexing events of the past two seasons are all an elaborate Dharma Industries social experiment funded by the Hanso Foundation to study the effects of convoluted plot devices on television viewer's threshold of patience. The shocking results of the experiment, audiences will learn, indicate that as long as the castaways keep experiencing perplexing events, and keep entering the "numbers" into the Dharma computer every 108 minutes, Lost should continue to beat The Apprentice: Martha Stewart in the Nielsen ratings for it's 9pm time slot!

Oh no!!! That violent banging I'm hearing on my front door right now must be those ABC legal goons coming to serve my secret-exposing ass with a lawsuit and confiscate my beloved computer as evidence in the impending trial for my very freedom. To avoid being named in the suit, I strongly advise that you immediately clear your computer's history of visited websites- and just to be safe never watch, discuss or even think about the television show Lost ever again. Time for me to escape through my super-secret hatch that leads to my basement, where I will spend years in solitude until all this shit blows over. Don't worry about me, I have my Commodore 64 and tons of records down there to keep me busy. See you in another life, brother...

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