The reelection of George W. Bush has left many Americans extremely anxious of what the future will hold over the next four years. Scholars have turned to recently discovered works of 16th century prophet Nostradamus, whose four-line rhyming quatrains foreshadowed many of modern history's greatest tragedies, including the assassination of J.F.K., the 9-11 attacks, and the untimely death of Old Dirty Bastard. What does Nostradamus predict for Bush's second coming? Let's take a look...

Many wonder how exactly Bush plans to spend the "political capital" he claims to have earned in the 2004 election. Will he utilize his moral authority to blow up a continent or two, just for kicks? This quatrain hints that in his second term, Bush might finally overcome his icy distance from the Christian Right. Related passages appear to indicate that he will solve the nation's poverty crisis by feeding the poor Soylent Pink, which will later be revealed to be made of gay people.

Here Nostradamus makes the shocking prediction that a well-rested Jesus will stage a thrilling comeback early in Bush's second term. Unfortunately for him, he chooses to materialize right into the middle of a taping of CNN's Crossfire, where he is forced into a heated debate with contentious conservative boy genius Tucker P. Keaton. He immediately regrets his decision to return.

A massive earthquake rocks the West Coast, sending the entire state of California plunging into the Pacific Ocean. An opportunistic Mayor Rudolph Giuliani rushes to the scene to heal a nation and help America somehow move forward in a frightening new world devoid of new episodes of The O.C. and According To Jim. Desperate, pathetic Democratic National Committee members panic and don scuba gear in a vain attempt to salvage the state's precious 55 Electoral College votes, which have sunken to the ocean floor.

When newly appointed Supreme Court Chief Justice Toby Keith rules kicking ass to be "110% Constitutional," it triggers the the South to launch a shocking preemptive assault on the Blue states. The Northeastern United States is rendered a barren and savage post-apocalyptic wasteland. The disastrous economic fallout causes the price for a gallon of gas to skyrocket from 3 dollars to 1 blowjob.

Scholars purport that this quatrain infers that W will become intoxicated by his ever-growing powers and spiral into a jealous rage over Christ's messiah-like popularity. Emperor Bush lashes out and de-resurrects Jesus, who proves kind enough to oblige and re-die for his new sins.

Experts have spilt into two camps regarding the meaning of this prophecy. Some claim that it raises the possibility that the Democrats will attempt to touch and inspire the American voter by making the huge mistake of nominating Rocky "Mask" Dennis as their 2008 candidate. Others believe it simply means that John Kerry will run again.

It remains to be seen if the words of Nostradamus will come to fruition. But as frightening as his vision of our impending doom is, we must remember that as rational members of a democratic society, we can control our own collective fate through reasoned discourse. See you at the Rapture!