Twenty-eight years after my film Star Wars launched the science fiction genre into hyperspace, Episode 3: Revenge Of The Sith will Force its way into theaters- and I'm confident my fans will love it! Actually, if my last two films are any indication, I'm confident my fans would wait on line for weeks and love it if I had Industrial Light & Magic computer animate one of my turds. My turn to the dark side is nearly complete, so strap on your lightsabers and join me on an intergalactic sneak peek into my latest Star Wars adventure that will surely leave your social life light years behind! Not afraid? You will be...

I'm extremely proud of the overwhelming success of Star Wars merchandising over the past three decades, and I consider the films to be one of the top promotional devices I can utilize in supporting it. In fact, I don't feel that my artistic process is complete- and my vision fully realized- until my creations have been molded into cheap pieces of plastic by Chinese children in a factory far, far away so they can be hoarded and obsessed over by emotional stunted adult males. That's why I'm so happy to report that the release of Revenge Of The Sith will coincide with yet another of my trademark merchandising blitzkriegs, proof positive that sometimes the Force is with you whether you like it or not!

Of all the outlandish characters that inhabit the Star Wars universe, Revenge Of The Sith's Mos Eisely Cantina sequence introduces perhaps the most bizarre yet, this 36 year-old virgin webmaster of Chewblogger.Com, a creature so peculiar and mysterious that even the most advanced Imperial Probe Droids can't detect any discernable life of his own. The origins of his screen career date back to one morning when I literally discovered him on my doorstep at Skywalker Ranch, naked and asleep in the fetal position clutching a 1977 mint condition Greedo action figure in it's original packaging. After that and several progressively more disturbing encounters, he and my lawyers reached a blockbuster deal- I agreed to cast him in a walk-on role in Episode 3, and he agreed to stop stalking me by standing outside my bedroom window while masturbating. Turned out to be a real win-win!

One of the most hotly anticipated aspects of each new Star Wars Episode are the ominous villains that will make their chilling debuts. In Revenge Of The Sith, audiences will be on the edge of their seats in horror as I unveil my most menacing incarnation of the dark side to date! Astute Star Wars fans can keep an eye out for ME in my Hitchcock-style cameo role as the dreaded Darth Jowl, a vile character based on the incredibly disturbing and evil fleshy growth that has emerged under my chin over the last 10 years, feared throughout the galaxy for his overwhelming ability to sap creativity and thoroughly frighten small children!

Star Wars fans number in the millions and come from all over the world and every conceivable cultural background, but they're all haunted through sleepless nights by the same nagging question- Is C3PO gay? Revenge Of The Sith audiences will finally discover the emphatic answer to that enigma in an explicit sequence that exposes the desert planet Tatooine's decadent droid fetish subculture in sordid detail. In a revelation sure to shock even the most erudite Star Wars aficionado, C3PO proves to not only be extremely proficient in 6 million forms of communication, but also in performing light-speed hand jobs on Jawas.

Spoiler Alert! Throughout the years I've become renowned for my uncanny ability to pluck actors from relative obscurity and painstakingly direct them to vague, awkward and embarrassing performances. In order to add an element of authenticity to actor Hayden Christensen's transformation into the sinister Darth Vader, I decided to torment him by writing him dialogue that became increasingly more insipid as filming progressed. Fans will be extremely surprised to learn that his turn to the dark side actually has nothing to do with a lightsaber duel between Anakin and Obi-Wan Kenobi, but rather Hayden's breakdown-induced suicidal leap into a molten volcano after being forced to recite one too many lines of impossibly awful dialogue penned by yours truly!

When I first heard that Mark Hamill recently slammed my new trilogy of Star Wars films as humorless and boring, I was hurt. But instead of reacting with anger, I decided to be the "bigger Jedi" and extend the olive branch by offering him the coveted Episode 3 role of "Douche ShitTalker", a washed-up space rouge who desperately roams the galaxy in his rickety spaceship, unable to find work in even the most distant star systems. Unfortunately, his agent informed me that her son was regrettably unavailable for the project as he was already booked to be crying alone in the dark in his dank, depressing apartment located in her basement.

Production of Revenge Of The Sith hit a huge snag when I found myself hopelessly over budget with filming near completion (you'd be shocked at the amount of damage "little people" can do to your Craft Services costs!). This unforeseen crisis rendered it impossible for me to complete crucial special effects for many of the film's pivotal and climatic action sequences. Rather than admit defeat, I instead ingenuously rewrote these scenes to take place on the the magical planet Cerulean, one of the most enchanting landscapes in the entire Star Wars universe- known for its breathtaking ubiquitous blue atmosphere and incredibly detailed, amazingly invisible space creatures.

Many wonder what I plan to do now that I've completed all six films in my Star Wars series. Well, now that I've completed the botching of Episodes I-III, I've decided to turn my full attention to destroying the beloved original Star Wars trilogy. I figured the best place to start would be by going back and having Industrial Light & Magic digitally insert my wildly popular Jar Jar Binks character into many of those film's more serious dramatic moments in order to add some much needed comic relief, and make them more palatable to my target demographic of mildly retarded 4-year-old children.

Many critics have derided my Star Wars films as being overly dependant on visual effects and as unoriginal for borrowing too liberally from the work of others, especially Frank Herbert's 1963 novel Dune. This is why I'm going to once and for all to silence my critics by releasing my long-awaited original 1976 manuscript for the the original Star Wars, which highlights the complex inner workings of my artistic process at its creative peak!

The original Star Wars films and my re-release Special Editions have proven extremely popular with parents because they teach important moral lessons to their children in a visually exciting way. That's why I'm so thrilled and proud to announce the impending release of several re-edited Star Wars Very Special Editions specifically designed to help parents and elementary school Heath class teachers foster discussion on thorny, difficult to talk about issues that face the youth of today- including drug abuse, menstruation and inappropriate fondling by Jedi elders. Their educational value cannot be overstated, as I can say with complete confidence that they feature the most mind-blowing CGI special effects ever put on film illustrating the astonishing adolescent spectacular that is puberty!

Although the release of Revenge Of The Sith might be met with the same universally abysmal reviews my films usually receive, I remain self-assured of the greatness of my work and undeterred by my critics- even those who suggest that denial might be the most powerful Jedi mind trick of all. In anticipation of the deluge of questions I'm sure to be bombarded with upon the release of Episode 3: YES, it will be the final film in the Star Wars series- and NO, you can't have your money back!!!