Spaz Out New York: What Would Jesus Surf?

What's the number one complaint that most people have about The Holy Bible? That's right- not enough pictures! Enter Jack Chick, a one-man army of God who redefines intolerance with his mini-comic book crusades, in which NOBODY is safe from his fire and brimstone wrath: evolutionists, gays, Catholics, Jews, Dungeons & Dragons enthusiasts- probably even your Mom. Check out some of his greatest hits below- unless of course you want to end up with your flesh ablaze in an eternal lake of fire. Enjoy!

This inspiring site geared towards Christian kids highlights the holy trinity between The Father, The Son, and The Musclebound Superhero. In videos and kick-ass live shows, Bibleman (true identity: Willie Aimes of Charles In Charge) cuts through the bullshit and addresses the issues that kids really care about, like Breaking The Bonds Of Disobedience. One drawback: Parents might find that kids introduced to Christianity through Bibleman might be subsequently disappointed by the actual Bible's relative lack of cyborg supervillians and surprisingly few epic laser-sword battles.

Long before Creed rocked righteous, 1980's Christian head-bangers Styper confronted the devil on his home turf... the sinfully decadent world of heavy metal. Arming themselves with the most powerful weapons in God's arsenal- poofy hair and crotch-constricting vinyl pants, Stryper set out to prove to the kids that Jesus was at least as cool as Poison. It didn't work. Years later, they have resurrected their career with a slick new website- but perhaps only a garage rock makeover of their "yellow & black attack" into "The Chryst Strypes" could make them relevant to the youth of today. For those about to praise, we salute you.

At first, you might think that creepy ventriloquist puppets and even creepier clowns are odd and ineffective vessels for communicating the Word of the Lord. You would be right. But don't tell that to Clowning4Christ, Deputy Bob, Hands2God Christian Puppetry, or especially Yo Yo The Christian Clown. Yo Yo hosts easily one of the most disturbing websites on the internet and one which alarmingly evades most parental controls, leaving countless innocent victims vulnerable to his balloon-twisting gospel. And just in case your life has been sorely lacking in scream-yourself-awake nightmares, enjoy this lethal dose of Lil Markie.

If religion is the opiate of the masses, then the Power Team is its steroids. Preacher John Jacobs and his brawny apostles deliver a simple theology: Praise the Lord by crushing huge cinder blocks with your skull. Granted- ripping the Yellow Pages in half with your bare hands is not a miracle per se, but it's pretty damn impressive...

Sure, heaven exists. Duh. But what does it look like? The long-awaited answer to that age-old question is answered in fantasmical detail by the proprietors of this website, who encourage you to learn of the amazing golden city that was created, of course, when "God melted and remolded the surface of the earth and exploded and replenished the atmosphere, after the great White Throne judgment!"(Revelation 21). All this just might leave you wondering why you spent your entire life in a church to eternally exist in a cross between Epcot Center and a Journey album cover.

The Truth About Hell presents irrefutable scientific proof that not only that hell exists, but that it is located in the center of our Earth...presumably with the most likely surface-level portal being Fresno, CA.

Put down that bottle of Formula 409 and pick up a camera- that grease stain on the kitchen counter top just might be a message from God!

Just because you've been born again, it doesn't necessarily mean that you have the time to actually read or understand the Bible. The Bible For Dummies breaks down all that Word of God mumbo-jumbo into language even a C- student can understand. Before you know it, you'll be using the scriptures to rationalize the melding of church and state, a rollback of civil liberties- even preemptive war! Also available on audio cassette for those who find that reading gives them a headache.

No, Countdown To Armageddon is not a Brazilian death metal band, it's one of a growing number of websites that warn that the end of the world is coming soon (tentatively scheduled for next Tuesday). Rapture Ready , The End Times Welcome Page and Left Behind all offer convincing signs of the impending End Time- surprisingly, not one being the overwhelming success of Ashton Kutcher.

Tired of the same old humdrum routine of dragging yourself to church to pray? Exciting news! The advent of the internet has rendered churches obsolete, clearing the way for their long-overdue destruction and replacement by Globo-Internet Prayer/Chat Worship Cafes. In the meantime, you might want to visit God Tube. Warning: Jesus strongly urges you send prayer requests through a broadband connection, which are answered up to 100 times faster than prayers sent through dial-up!

And just in case the immensely popular social networking tool MySpace is not quite cool enough for you, check out The Single Christians Network, were you can survey the red-hot Christian dating scene- and learn that a 3-way isn't so wrong when Jesus is the one who likes to watch!

Dial The Truth Ministries ' scripture-quoting buttons are sure-fire party icebreakers and their bumper stickers let you impress other motorists with zippy catch-phrase zingers such as "For There Is One God, And One Mediator Between God And Men, The Man Christ Jesus." The perfect compliment to your "Baby Jesus On Board" rear window sign!

Heavenly Images: What's the best tribute you can make for a dearly departed relative, friend, or pet? Hard to say, but it's probably not Photoshopping them into the heavens with Jesus in the style of those weird double-exposure graduation photos from high school. Yikes!